Sports Car Driven

Men have an obsession with machines. If it’s meant to have a motor, someone is always out to make a more powerful one.  Case in point, tractor pulling.  You just know that two farmers got in a drunk pissing match after knock’n back some moonshine, and argued over who had the more powerful tractor.  Next thing you know, you got a bunch of red-necks with methanol burning tractors, trying to see how far they can drag stuff. In 75 years they went from this: 

The top-tier tractors now have jet engines. Some have seven, high performance V8 engines on the same tractor, putting out 5,000 horsepower. WTF!?!   Honestly, tractor pulling seems retarded, but, I admit I would go to one if they were out my way.

Okay, so it’s clear that if it has a motor, it’s only a matter of time until it’s just blown out of proportion. Then there are the creative guys that find ways to motorize things that don’t even need motors.  I give you the top 10 dumbest motorized things.

10. Tractor Pulling Tractors

9. The Motorized Toilet

Stupid, but you know it would be fun to take a dump while driving down the street. Perfect for transportation to and from Chili Cook-Offs.

8. Gizmo Duck

“Blatherskite!”

7. The Motorized Couch

As they say, necessity is the mother of invention…and lazy rednecks are good inventors. Too lazy to get off the couch. No problem. Take the couch with you. Notice the driving light in case you want to do some late night cruise’n, yee haw!

6. The Motorized Bar Stool

(Sigh). This is funny, but now they have official races and rules Check out http://www.barstoolracing.net, for Membership information for  NO BRA  (National Organization of Bar Stool Racing in America).

5. Motorized Roller Blades

Okay, look. If you’re too lazy to actually power your rollerblades yourself, fucking drive.  Am I wrong?  Don’t they have motorcycles and scooters and public transportation for this sort of thing?

4. The Motorized Ice Chest

Perfect for getting your fish from the boat to your truck, which is 40 feet away. Um, actually this is kind of cool. I saw one yesterday and really wanted one. I was drunk at the time.

3. The V8 BBQ

I’m really not sure why you’d need a Hemi for your BBQ. If you need to take your grill somewhere, I suggest towing it with your truck. And yes, you know that the guy who built this has a truck (probably with a gun rack and antlers on it).

2. V8 Powered Chainsaw

I have a great idea. You know that chainsaws injure like 40,000 people a year right?  Lets have some Keystone and put a V8 engine on your chainsaw and cut some shit up. The thing is 500lbs and 300hp. The picture doesn’t do this justice. Here’s a video.

1. The Pontiac Aztek.

There are cars that enhance a driver’s physical appeal and attract women like bees to honey. For every action, there must be an opposite and equal reaction and the automobile universe is no different. If you are a single man, or single homosexual female, these are the vehicles you want to avoid.

10. Smart Car

Okay, maybe in other crowded countries this is cool, but dude, come on! I’d like to see someone roll up in Southern California and actually get someone of the opposite sex (or same if lesbian)in the car. 

9. A Volvo, any year

Good for safety means bad for cool. The newer ones are looking better, but still you’re not gonna fool anyone. The older the Volvo, the less likely your chances are. Each year in Volvo age reduces your chances exponentially.

8. A Toyota Scion

It’s like kryptonite man. It looks cool. I like it. I’d date someone with a Scion, but no one else will. It’s crazy. Name someone that has a Scion tc that can pull chicks.

7. 1991 Mitsubishi Mirage

I had one nicked-named the Silver Bullet. It was a hand-me-down. Cigarette burns in the back seat from the previous owner. No clear coat left. It would slip out of gear on the freeway. The radio only worked if you hit it. I’m sure there will be an article on it at a later date.  I saw one of these pimped out once with gold wheels and a gold luggage rack. It was like whipped cream on dog crap.  It looked pretty, but it was still crap. There were also no ladies in the car, just to back up my list.

6. Chevy Caprice

Unless you’re picking up a mermaid, this whale aint’ get’n any tale.

5. Mazda Miata

Gay, even if you’re gay yourself. It may be a great car and a sports car icon, but it has become the American symbol for a wuss car and the butt of many Adam Corolla jokes.  I think they’d actually sell more if a rainbow scheme was an optional color.

4. Geo Metro

If you can explain to someone why this car has a 3 cylinder engine, you may have a shot at pulling this off.  By the way, this car almost works because in silver it almost looks like a vibrating egg vibrator, which I’ve been told women are particularly fond of; however, it’s still a Geo and when women see the badge on the back, that tingly feeling in their knees goes to their stomach and they get nauseous.

3. Taurus Station Wagon

Laaaaaaaaaaammmeee!

2. Used Cop Car

A perfect car for a teenager, yes. Virtually indestructible, yes. Cool factor to anyone but your friends ZERO. It’s gonna smell like a kennel and have plastic upholstery and a quarter-million miles on it. Good luck.

1. Public Bus

Despite the shortcomings of all the cars on this list, they’re all better than the bus. It cracks me up to think about going to a bar and then trying to get a girl back to your place…on the bus. Maybe it’s a California thing, but it’s not. If it’s all ya got, then go for it, but you might as well part the ocean while you’re at it.

Best of luck to everyone!

Top 11 Cars to Pull Chicks

There are cars and then there are cars that hit a woman right in the baby-maker. They’re not all sports cars like you might think. Many words describe these magical machines, but here, at this G-rated site, I call them panty droppers.

Women are drawn to their power in inexplicable ways, like the way they are drawn to that guy you know, that has no job, but that has crazy mojo and even he can’t explain how he pulls so much tail…but I digress…

Some women say men buy expensive or flashy cars to compensate for their manhood. Those women are jealous, hateful skanks.

After detailed Conjoint analysis, 1^st person data collection, and thousands of dollars on data mining, the following are the top 11 vehicles women admitted the most mystical attraction to.

11. Porsche Cabriolet

This is an easy one. Anything that’s stylish and around six figures works well. The well known German marquee seals the deal.

10. McLaren SLR

Oh yeah. Gull-wing sports car. Red leather. Really long and ribbed on the sides. This one scored well with the “celebutante” demographic.

9. The Pick-up Truck

The numbers don’t lie and for some reason women just dig the truck. The bigger the better. If it’s so big that you can’t get it into a gas station, it’s about 6 inches short of cool enough. Their allure is so strong that even men are sometimes sucked in, as illustrated in this picture.

8. Lamborghini Gallardo

The car just looks like it reeks of cologne, gold chains and flashy watches. Bright colors indicative of look-at-me a-hole drivers. An excellent choice.

7. 68 Chevy Camaro

The bad boy. Mean, loud, and always emanating gasoline fumes. It says, no, I\’m not a hybrid and I couldn\’t stop with two feet on the brakes, going uphill. Hop in baby.

6. The Creeper Van

If you wanna pull chicks, this is what you need. Plenty of room. Throw a couch or a futon and a disco ball in back. Or some chloroform. You wouldn\’t think the ladies would go for this but obviously the numbers don\’t lie and the surveys came back saying that many women had memorable experiences in this type of vehicle, especially in Palmdale.

5. Bentley GT

Large, classy, fast. It says I\’m cool and you\’re not. Women swoon in the streets.

4. Ferrari 588 GTB

Beautiful GT sports car full for European racing pedigree. It even sports pictures of prancing ponies all around the car to remind attractive women of their not so distant youth (preferably 1 to 3 years ago).

3. 5.0 Mustang

Again, similar to the truck and Creeper Van, the 5.0 Mustang pulls the ladies in like a puppy sale. You don’t think so? You take a look at who’s in the passenger seat next time you pass one of these (because it won’t be passing you). Try not make eye contact with the driver if there’s a Raiders sticker on it. Actually, just don’t make eye contact with the driver at all.

2. The Oscar Mayer Mobile

Women are VERY attracted to this vehicle! Survey comments explain that the attraction is due to the bright colors, shiny wheels and the wholesome American culture it promotes. The fact that it looks like a giant 27 foot-long wang has completely nothing to do with why it showed up in the survey results.

1. Shag’n Wagon

Dude. It’s the shag’n wag’n! Chicks dig it.

You can even make one of your own. Check it out.

*Mega expensive cars or sports cars like the Enzo Ferrari and Bugatti Veyron were omitted simply because if you have enough money to buy one you can probably buy people too and it makes it impossible to analyze their panty-dropping utility.

Top 5 Most EVIL Cars

*This list excludes the Maybach Exelero sports car/luxury cruiser, which is obviously the most Bad Ass and evil car ever.

1. The Deathmobile

Built in limited numbers by Ford Motor Co. The turret and escape hatches were optional equipment. This combination of options was rare. Only 47 were actually produced. A wide variety of colors were available as long as they were black. The car was relatively unknown until it was made a popular by the movie Animal House.

2. Lamborghini Revention

Similar in appearance to a Stealth Fighter and pumping out 650 hp, this sports car has been known to make pedestrians run for cover and missile defense systems in China light up like a Christmas tree.

3. TVR Sagaris

An awesome British sports car. 400hp. 2513lbs. No airbags. About 2 dozen slits and grooves. No ABS. It’s…it’s just wicked. I mean look at it.

4. Mad Max Interceptor

Born as a 1973 Ford Falcon XB GT Coupe and only sold in a land founded as a penal colony, this supercharged, nitrous-fed monster not only survived an apocalypse, it fueled a mission of vengeance, revenge and bloody murder. Oooooooooohhhhhhhh!

5. The Pope Mobile

The holiest of sports cars… What? You’re telling me you wouldn’t want to drive this bad boy around town? The vehicle comes with a water cannon and on board holy water at 320psi, in case of emergency.  There’s a 20,000 volt security system, and secret compartments deploy rosary beads from the rear license plate. Spinning crucifixes protrude from the wheel spokes to fend off pagans that get t0o close.

Best car for a teenager and 10 reasons why!

A used Ford Crown Victoria police car is the way to go.   Here’s why:

• 1. Cheap, Cheap, Cheap! 1997 Crown Vic for $997
• 2. Heavy Duty Tires and Shocks - Jr. can run over a brick wall and keep motoring
• 3. Push bar - Standard. Great for helping a stranded motorist or running through a convenient store.
• 4. Spot Light -Standard. Blind anyone and everyone
• 5. Cheap to Fix - Great when you run over a wall.
• 6. Customizable finish - DIY spray paint available everywhere
• 7. Heavy Duty Gears (?)
• 8. Big Brakes - great for stopping.
• 9. A beefed up transmission cooler. The car will last forever, even if you kid doesn’t want it to!
• 10.  Durable interior that can be barfed, peed or craped on - perfect for your adolescent child, learning the novelty of malt liquor and cheap vodka!

-light bar not included-

These cars routinely go 1,000,000 miles

*Recommended Activity. Place your laptop on the passenger seat. Floor it when you hit the freeway, tailgate someone, and then pretend to type in your lap top like you’re looking something up on them. Then tailgate more with a menacing look.  Kick-ass sunglasses required.

 These are kick-ass sunglasses

*Bonus Features*

• People pull over to let you pass
• No one tailgates
• Impress your friends with E-brake turns and burn outs
• Play cops and robbers with you pals around town

Sites that sell these amazing vehicles:

http://www.used-police-cars.com/

http://www.swps.com/used-police-cars—vehicles.html

Buyer beware