Sports Car Driven

Men have an obsession with machines. If it’s meant to have a motor, someone is always out to make a more powerful one.  Case in point, tractor pulling.  You just know that two farmers got in a drunk pissing match after knock’n back some moonshine, and argued over who had the more powerful tractor.  Next thing you know, you got a bunch of red-necks with methanol burning tractors, trying to see how far they can drag stuff. In 75 years they went from this: 

The top-tier tractors now have jet engines. Some have seven, high performance V8 engines on the same tractor, putting out 5,000 horsepower. WTF!?!   Honestly, tractor pulling seems retarded, but, I admit I would go to one if they were out my way.

Okay, so it’s clear that if it has a motor, it’s only a matter of time until it’s just blown out of proportion. Then there are the creative guys that find ways to motorize things that don’t even need motors.  I give you the top 10 dumbest motorized things.

10. Tractor Pulling Tractors

9. The Motorized Toilet

Stupid, but you know it would be fun to take a dump while driving down the street. Perfect for transportation to and from Chili Cook-Offs.

8. Gizmo Duck

“Blatherskite!”

7. The Motorized Couch

As they say, necessity is the mother of invention…and lazy rednecks are good inventors. Too lazy to get off the couch. No problem. Take the couch with you. Notice the driving light in case you want to do some late night cruise’n, yee haw!

6. The Motorized Bar Stool

(Sigh). This is funny, but now they have official races and rules Check out http://www.barstoolracing.net, for Membership information for  NO BRA  (National Organization of Bar Stool Racing in America).

5. Motorized Roller Blades

Okay, look. If you’re too lazy to actually power your rollerblades yourself, fucking drive.  Am I wrong?  Don’t they have motorcycles and scooters and public transportation for this sort of thing?

4. The Motorized Ice Chest

Perfect for getting your fish from the boat to your truck, which is 40 feet away. Um, actually this is kind of cool. I saw one yesterday and really wanted one. I was drunk at the time.

3. The V8 BBQ

I’m really not sure why you’d need a Hemi for your BBQ. If you need to take your grill somewhere, I suggest towing it with your truck. And yes, you know that the guy who built this has a truck (probably with a gun rack and antlers on it).

2. V8 Powered Chainsaw

I have a great idea. You know that chainsaws injure like 40,000 people a year right?  Lets have some Keystone and put a V8 engine on your chainsaw and cut some shit up. The thing is 500lbs and 300hp. The picture doesn’t do this justice. Here’s a video.

1. The Pontiac Aztek.

Aztec is a term used to refer to certain ethnic groups of central Mexico, particularly those groups who spoke the Nahuatl language and who achieved political and military dominance over large parts of Mesoamerica.

The Pontiac Aztec if the ugliest god damn car I have ever known and a disgrace to those proud and powerful, spear-chucking Indians.

In theory, the car was kind of cool. However, “in theory” communism is a great idea.  The back of the car could hold two mountain bikes standing up and had a tent/inflatable mattress package that could turn the car into a camper. It also had a pull out cooler and special racks for snowboards and stuff. But what mother could love a face like that?

The thing is a beast. It looks like a moose humped an alligator and then pooped on it. Then the designers put some cladding on the side to tidy things up. It doesn’t matter what the car does, it has to be something at least kind of appealing.  Sadly, a blue Aztek served as the pace car for the Daytona 500 and the “car” won the title of Most Appealing Entry Sport Utility Vehicle in 2001 from J.D. Power and Associates. Just wow. Most appealing as in I just ate mold and the toilet sounds appealing right now?

Ultimately this car became a symbol for the downfall of design by committee.  Pontiac predicted selling 75,000 and needed to sell 30,000 a year to break even.  Let’s just say they lost a lot of money on the project.

Now, ironically, if the Aztec was a hybrid, it’s styling wouldn’t be a problem. It would fit right in with the Prius.

 Somehow pimping out an Aztek actually makes an improvement….I think.

In the end, the Aztek was good on paper, but the f*ing ugliest car made in the last 25 years and possibly ever. We should  sell them to the French.

The Conejo Valley Days car show was this weekend. The weather could have been better, but the tri-tip sandwhich more than made up for it. I snapped some pictures of the cool cars incluing a rare Mercesed 300 SL  “Gullwing” Coupe and a Foose Camaro recently featured on the show Overhaulin.  Unfortunately I didn’t take notes on each car, so if you recognize a car, leave a comment and I can update the page with more details.

This 300 SL Gullwing Mercedes was my favorite. The car is just beautiful. Honestly, I knew the car was very expensive, but I didn’t know if that meant $100,000 or $200,000. I went to http://www.dupontregistry.com/ and found a simillar car for sale for, ahem, $659,000!  

The gullwing doors, hinged at the roof are so named because the open doors resembled a bird’s outstretched wings. They were necessary to accommodate the car’s tubular chassis. 

The car has the first fuel injection engine. The engine, canted at a fifty-degree angle to the left to allow for a lower hoodline has a Bosch mechanical fuel injection system that more than doubles its power from 115 hp in its original carbureted trim to 240 hp at 6100 rpm. This new injection system, a first in any gasoline-powered car allowed a top speed of up to 161 mph.

To see a car like this in action, check out this footage from Top Gear.  I love this car!

No back seat on this one. Everything from the B-pillar to the rear hatch is audio equipment.

Here’s my ’68 Camaro. It’s actually shared with my dad and brother. I threw in some more pictures from the last show and hope to write a post on it in the near future.

Here’s the Foose Camaro from Overhaulin. Sandy and Ken’s 1967 Camaro is a forgotten family heirloom. After her father’s death, Sandy contacted Chip Foose and the team to restore the car to its original luster. She wanted to capture the spirit of the family patriarch. Turns out Ken bought the car from Sandy’s dad when the couple was just dating. The car’s been in the family since and is now restored. The most impressive work is the interior.

I think the next car to get is a Cobra. They’re just bad ass. The car we have now is black and pain in the ass to keep clean. I think the next car should be a brushed aluminum Cobra so we don’t have to worry about keeping it clean and looking sparkly.

Overall it was a great show. I think with our car we’re trying to decide whether or not to improve on what we have so we can actually win a car show, or, just keep it driveable.

I’ve had two flat tires in the last year, despite never having a flat tire before in my life.

Last night I was driving on Sunset Boulevard in Beverly Hills. If you’ve traveled on it, you know it’s a shitty, bumpy road. I ran over a slab of steel covering construction and “THWACK!!” 

It was like driving head on into a curb at 40 mph.  I winced, but didn’t think my car was too hurt. I knew it’s feelings were hurt though.  

3 hours later, I go to leave the underground parking lot and the bitch is pulling hard to the side.  Sure enough, my right-front is flatter than Keira Knightley.  I tried to limp to a gas station (at 10:30 at night), but couldn’t make it.  I pulled over and tried to piece together the Porsche spare-tire kit. The kit includes a bottle of sealant and an air compressor, no spare. Of course, the compressor worked for 15 seconds and then quit with no explanation. I turned the car on. I used a different cigarette lighter. Noth’n.  God damn noth’n.

On the bright side, I was broken down in Beverly Hills, so I got to see lots of nice cars go by. I saw two Bentleys, a couple AMGs, a Ferrari and a herd of Range Rovers.  Oh, and a Ford Crown Vic.

“Please AAA please come tow me.” The truck showed up and of course towing cost was $9 per mile beyond 7 miles. At 11:30 at night I couldn’t think of anything to do but tow it home, knowing I probably would need a new tire.

The drive took about half an hour and the tow-truck driver and I barely said 5 words to each other. At one point I was spacing out, just driving at night and let a fart sneak out. Then I realized I was actually in the car wth someone and felt a little bad ’cause it was stinky.

$207 dollars later, the car is at rest back home and the local Discount Tire. Today it becomes obvious that I need a new right-front, which was split down the side wall with the jarring thunk I felt. A new left front will have to go on to replace an unfortunate tire bulge that I had not noticed before and the tread on the rears is very gone, which I knew but was trying to avoid.  I’ve only had the back tires for 12,000 miles and they’re rubbed smooth. Crazy!

The dude tries to sell me “N” rated tires, which didn’t sound right. Turns out N ratings are for spare tires, suitable to 87 mph and long story short, to get 4 new wheels is $1,600.

Since I’m trying to sell the car I’m having them put the factory wheels back on the car and am going to try to sell the HRE wheels on my own.

I doubt I will ever get nice wheels again:

• I can’t use a normal car wash because the wheels will grind on the track system

• They get dinged all the time

• I’ve had two flats in 12 months

• You don’t get your money back

• It ruins the already firm ride

The amount of stress the wheels has caused me was worth it up until now, but today, as I sit at home with no car, I’m done.

P.S. I have wheels for sale. Call me for a good price. 

Stereotypes exist for a reason. White people eat macaroni & cheese and can’t dance - guilty as charged.  Black people eat watermelons and fried chicken - from my experience, true. Of course, Mexicans love soccer and lowriders. 

There are several schools of thought. Some think that Mexicans love lowriders because it puts them right at boob and ass height when passing pedestrians. That way the driver can cruise around and check out chi-chis without being obvious or noticed.

Number two: Mexicans love low-riders because when they pack their whole family into the car, the car bottoms out from the weight (they have large families…)

Also, some think that Mexicans drive low riders so they can pick up change that they drive by and because they’re too short to get into any other kind of car.

Sociologists believe lowriding is a modern incarnation of the traditional Mexican paseo (promenade), an ancient social ritual in which the unmarried adolescents of the village coyly circled the town square, boys on one side, girls on the other. East LA Cholos adapted this ritual for the automobile age, and begat a brand new American tradition -cruising the strip. When you ‘scooped the loop’ or ‘dragged main’ or ‘cruised the strip’ back in high school, you were participating in an echo of that South-of-the-Border courtship rite.

Of course, more than anything lowriders are like peacock feathers. They provide a canvas for guys to show off and let everyone know how cool they are and as we know, hot chicks dig cocky guys (see picture -> ).  

Personally they’re not for me. Don’t get me wrong. I respect how much pride and effort goes into the cars: The customizing and the amount of Tecate and tequila consumed while customizing, is very impressive.

The paint jobs are truly works of art. The portraits, detail and realism are amazing. I guess if you honestly consider your car to be a canvas, then perhaps the lowriders are justified; however, I’d have nightmares about parking under pine trees, diarrhetic birds, or driving behind a garbage truck. Check this paint job out. It’s incredible!

Then there’s jumping. If you like jumping, buy a pogo stick. If you like cars, buy something that goes fast.   After seeing this video clip, there’s no way in hell I’m ever going to watch one of these things without being 300 feet away, behind some bulletproof glass.

Back to the topic, perhaps the most popular is that Mexicans love lowriders because they can pick cabbage and drive at the same time. However, this is totally absurd and disrespectful to the Mexican-American/Chicano culture. Everyone knows they pick strawberries.

Every tribe has their own rules to playing the game “Shotgun,” which is the art and competition of proclaiming your right to the front passenger seat of a vehicle, when competition for said seat exists.

While going to school in Arizona I was constantly screwed by one guy that would call shotgun as soon as a trip in the car was initiated.  I’m not going to name names since this is a public forum, but Kevin was a dick. I was raised to play with class and didn’t shout “Shotgun” until I was outside. This dude would shout it out while sitting on the couch with his bong in hand 5 minutes before anyone had their car keys out. I got burned more times than I can count.  For modern day combatants, I have found the solution.

I was going to write my own definitive rules to the game when I stumbled across this gem:  www.shotgunrules.com.  This jewel of modern prose outlines the rules of the game in fine detail and even elaborates on several concepts I hadn’t even considered. For example: 

The Line-Of-Sight Rule
In the situation of the deed being a hike or other extensive outdoor activity, you may not call Shotgun until the automobile is within your sight. This rule needs only to be used when the passengers are outside for a long time and have traveled long distances from the car, as with a day of snow skiing.

The Shotgun Gaper
Gapers (gay-pers) are people who prioritize Shotgun much more than a normal human being. These people will alter their usual behavior and even undermine their own ethics in order to gain the rights to Shotgun. They do this through legal means such as sprinting for an exit, and therefore they cannot be voided. The term gaper was originally given to Will Henderson who once rode Shotgun for 2 months straight. The advantage to being a Shotgun Gaper, of course, is you always get Shotgun. Being a Shotgun Gaper, however, is frowned upon.

If you know any Gapers and disapprove of their gaping ways, visit our Gaper page. There you will find tips and tactics to help you beat the Gaper at their own game.

Check out this site for a good laugh and piece of mind next time you’re enjoying your Spicy Chicken sandwich and Frosty.